Traditional Confectionary
For years generations of British children have enjoyed
traditional, quality confectionary, served to them in dark and musty
cornershops around the country, on their way to and from school. And whilst
these youngsters devoured their sweet bounty, both they and their parents could
rest easy knowing that they were consuming only the best of treats at a good,
honest down to earth price. However dark times were to come, when the giants of
the candy industry would break from these age old values and put their own
profits and needs before those of the loyal consumer...
The Beginning
The insipid rot in the confectionary industry began in the early 80's when the
worlds greatest chocolate treat, the Texan bar, ceased production. Despite
protests the length and breadth of Bridligton High Street, the rock hard, yet
ridiculously chewy-once-you-got-it-going chocolate covered nougat bar was to be
no more. So the public, mourning the demise of a snack-time instituiton had to
take solace in the other timeless favorites such as the Mars bar and Marathon.
After 10 years of wandering a barren, desolate, Texan Bar-less earth, the masses
were just about coming to terms with their loss, when the giant of the
chocolate industry, Mars, decided to once more kick the people when they were
down.
They renamed the Marathon to Snickers.
It was a sickening blow to the entire country. It was like finding your elderly
Grandmother had been brutally beaten for a few coppers from the bottom of her
moth-eaten purse. Like discovering your loyal, familly dog strung up in the
porch, flies buzzzing round the open gash where its throat had been slit. Like
seeing your only child being hit by a speeding, drunk driver, their smashed and
lacerated body being tossed in the air, only to land in a crumpled, lifeless
mess in the gutter. Like discovering your parents were Welsh.
The Marathon has run its course
Defying
literally thousands of years of British tradition, the Marathon was no more.
The packaging was changed to conform to American standards. It was a disgusting
display of cost cutting and pandering to the desires of overbearing, faceless,
American scum-sucking corportaions.
"We need to cut costs to remain profitable...", they said.
"We want to create a global brand to increase product recognition...", they
whined.
"Our customers want a new, fresh face to their favourite snacks...", they
chirped.
"Bollocks", cried the British, "you just want to line your pockets and award
youselves big, fat bonuses for being so clever. You want to drive out
tradition, individuality and creativity and replace it with your evil,
monopolistic, omnipotent chocolate." But the cries of our tiny little island
were not to be heard all the way across the Atlantic, and the Marathon was
gone. With little choice the public were forced to switch to Snickers for their
daily fill of peanuts, chocolate and caramel.