An ACACCAC Success?
Arthur has some good news. And some bad news. Then he has
even more news that initially looks like it could be good news but in fact
turns out to be bad news. It would appear that after the relentless pressure of
the ACACCAC (Arthur Cleethorpes Against Confectionary Capitalism Action
Campaign) that some of our favourite chocolate snacks have returned!
The Texan is back!
At the start of September 2005, after an absence of almost 20 years, the Texan
bar was re-released by Nestle! "Hooray!" Arthur hears you cry, "all is well in
the world again!". Unfortunately this moment of happiness is to be short lived
however, as Nestle have decided to make this a limited edition release that
will once again disappear from our shelves, never to be seen again until one
day some supposed genius marketing manager decides to bring it back for a few
months in a pathetic attempt to demonstrate how much they love their customers
and listen to their demands. Whilst Arthur has very much enjoyed the return of
the Texan bar (chomping his way through four boxes in the past few months), he
can't help but feel cheated as they will soon be taken away again with no idea
as to when they will ever return, if ever. Arthur says just make them or don't
make them; it has served as a reminded to the world of the greatness of the
Texan bar and far from appeasing chocolate aficionados, it has only made they
more angry that they are soon to be deprived again of their favourite chocolate
bar.
The re-released bar is slightly smaller than it used to be and is also a bit
softer (the rock hard nature of the original can be simulated by placing the
Texan bar in the fridge for a while, although it soon softens up again once you
start chewing). But the taste is just right and it still has a certain chewy
quality even if it isn't enough to remove your fillings like the old bar did
(clearly the British Dental Association couldn't afford to bribe Nestle enough
to add extra horses hooves to the mix to guarantee that extra chewiness that
would have earned them millions in revenue replacing fillings up and down the
country).
The Marathon is back!
After the good news/bad news regarding the Texan bar, it came as a double
surprise for Arthur to discover that the Marathon bar is back as well! However,
once again, all is not as rosy and picture perfect as it seems; the new
chocolate Marathon bar is in fact called a Snickers Marathon Energy Bar! These
gutless chimps take away one of the countries best loved brands, then,
realising their mistake, attempt to reintroduce it by the back door by branding
some poncy, fashionable energy bar with the old name we used to love in an
attempt to fool the general public!
Do these people think everyone is stupid? Arthur knows of people with IQ's in
single figures who can see through this lame attempt by the chocolate
manufacturers to ingratiate themselves with British chocolate consumer! Arthur,
for one, will not be fooled into buying one of these so called Marathon bars.
Consuming this chocolate travesty is tantamount to raping your own mother and
Arthur certainly does not want to go down that path! Arthur's blood is
literally boiling and thus he's going for a long walk now to try and dissipate
some of that bottled up anger. Woe betides any confectionary stores he happens
to come across en route as they are likely to be burnt to the ground in a
moment of pent up agression. Sickening. Absolutely fucking sickening.